我的怜悯之心

逼自己做自己不想做的事情，真的很辛苦。

曾经还认为自己可以很清楚地分辨什么是我想做，什么是我不想做的事。

然后做一个很潇洒，很自我的人。一个不会在乎别人的眼光，别人的看法的人。

是，我是可以分辨我喜不喜欢。但是拒绝呢？

我没有办法说不。我不会，不知道怎样说不。不会撒谎，是一个优点吗？

接受了邀请，表面上是给足了朋友面子，心里却有一百个不愿意。虚伪吗？

我怎么忍心再对你说不。所以，好吧。

很多的矛盾，很多的忍耐，很多的不愿意。

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

I get mad of myself easily. Especially when I cannot even differentiate plantar and dorsal view. When I still have to hesitate when I come to anterior posterior superior inferior dorsal plantar transverse sagittal . When I cannot even remember the basics, to differentiate all the muscles of the lower limb. All their origins insertions nerve supplies and actions just drive me crazy. When I still have to google for some English words which I cannot understand. I suddenly lost my way and I don't know how to study effectively anymore. I may really need to study like the other geniuses do. My brain works too slow. Why you so slow. Why I cannot response to a question as quick as the others. Caffeine is not working on me anymore. The feeling of going out during weekends is strong, but no you can't, or you will be feeling guilty for the whole week after that. Never feel like shopping so much. To eat good food. To meet old friends. To buy pretty beautiful stuffs.
If it wasn't because I have three other roommates, I believe I would have thrown all my books my laptop and scream. My dear blog, thank you for saving me for not doing so. So yeah, I am fine. I will make sure I look very fine.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Happy One Month studying in Perdana, hereby announcing that 15 more days to my first formative assessment and first card signing.

Yes, I can!

I always like to, and wanted to be myself.
For example, you might change your character after you enter a new environment. I don't want myself to be in this kind of situation.
So, I want to strongly disagree that medical students have no life.

I like to cook, so I cook for myself and for the others quite often. I don't know why but I just love to share food I made with the others. Even though people thought this is silly and time-consuming.

I still want to remain my neat handwriting, I see it as one of my strength! I always see how a person character is from their handwriting. Hehe very cheeky I know right. Even though people have been telling me don't spend so much time on writing neat and nice, for I am going to be a doctor! Yes even my lecturer advised me on this matter. But, yeah why can't I be the exception and change everyone's view towards doctors?

Having choices in my own hands is important. I want to remain silent as I like. I want to stay in hostel when others are all going back during weekends for holidays. I want to stick to my old ways of studying, rather than copying all the hardworking students here. I just think that, why judge a book by its cover? It's a cruel fact that even if you study so hard than anyone else, you are still the weakest student. Very cruel, so why don't I just study with my own comfortable way, who knows how would the outcomes be? You know, diam diam ubi berisi!

University life is about dressing up yourself nicely everyday and embrace everyone with your bright smile, and so will the knowledge comes to you! BUT I am not up to that stage yet la, not so great yet, I still feel stress at certain times. This is what I want to do for the time being---motivate myself to move on everyday, keep moving on, for I have chosen this path, and there is no more turning back. Hey, why turn back? I like what I am doing now. Yes, I can do it. :)

p/s : It is a bliss that your roommate is there waking you up everyday, and even making you breakfast when you are in a rush. It can just put a smile on my face naturally, brighten up my day. :)

学会放下

:(
我的耳机坏了。
那是一个在matrik对我很重要的朋友送的礼物，再加上我是一个无音乐不欢的人。我必须有音乐才能专心读书。很奇怪的逻辑，不过音乐是我生命中不可缺的一部分。
然后就是，我很不能接受失去。
哪怕是耳机这样一个小小的东西，我都没有办法克制自己不去伤心。我不知道自己为什么要介意，因为其实我可以再去买一个新的。但是心里就是不甘心，就是喜欢旧的，能怎么办？
我拿得起，却不懂怎么放下。
那更大更重要的失去呢？我该怎么承受？
我希望自己从来都不需要去担心这个问题。

乌云走开

最近的生活被笼罩上了一层乌云。

我不认为我还是在为赋新词强说愁的年龄，而是生活真的开始在给我一个又一个的考验。远在法国的姐姐在异乡竟然得了盲肠炎需要住院一整个星期动手术。她第一次住院就在法国！才刚到法国一个星期，还不擅法语的她要面对一堆的鸡同鸭讲。盲肠炎那痛入骨子里的痛，那足以让你睡不着吃不下的痛。然后又要在打给我们的越洋电话中表现得很镇定没事，好不让我们担心。姐姐，你是钢铁人吗？我不是一个称职的妹妹，好像没有办法替你做些什么。再怎么样我都不能完全感受到你的无助。我只知道，我好替你心疼。第一次觉得我跟姐姐又更靠近了一点点，好像那些童年时期无谓的争吵再也不算什么了。

健康很重要，各位。它是我们的宝藏。

我漂亮的姐姐毕业了！
前阵子刚动完手术就马上飞回马来西亚参加马大的毕业典礼。

毕业典礼后又得马不停蹄地飞回法国上课。
上完课后我赶到机场去替姐姐送机。这一别就是两年。加油，好吗？

然后，我开始对我现在的位置感到怀疑。心底的那把声音一直在告诉我我不属于这里。我知道这很讽刺，之前对上帝所作出的种种渴望，上帝你都满足我了。那我怎么可以怀疑上帝你的安排？事实却是，新环境让我窒息，是从来没有在我身上出现过的窒息感。我知道如果我现在在别的地方，我不会这样。哦不，我没有在回头看。现在身边再多天才也好，其实我只是又一次被自己打败。承认吧，我只是很不想输。

再来，亲爱的你，请告诉我，我该怎么爱你？
有时爱情需要时光机。

The Beginning Is Always The Hardest.

This is really a quote just right for me. As for now. New beginning in Perdana University. Started 2 weeks of lecture. New friends new lecturers new environment and all. I am so not good in adapting and I realise I always not happy when I come into a new environment. Why is it so? Is time going to be the factor that change everything after the beginning?

I am always very proud of myself as a Chinese. I mean, I think as a Chinese, it is very not right that you do not know how to speak and write Chinese at all. I feel that it is a shame. But recently I just realise that this perception may be wrong. Speaking English well is far more cool. Or maybe in medical profession. My only advantage in language has lost. And so do my only confidence left.

I don't understand why people can nod their heads during lecture when the lecturers were obviously talking craps. I don't understand why people must wear like they are going to party when they are going to a medical school. I even don't understand why couples must text at all times.

I do not want to be how I am right now after a few months. I am expecting some changes in me. At least a stronger me. I have always been telling this to myself for dont know how many times but I am still the weak me. The only person that can help me regain my strength and confidence has gone. You have forgotten what I have said, that you are the source of my confidence.

Time for me to conquer the Anatomy Book. Bye people.