Sunday, May 3, 2015

Life as a medical student #10 About inferiority complex

I just feel incompetent.

I remember how I was always the top of my class in high school. I knew I had to do well in SPM to get the college admission I desired and the scholarship I needed. So I scored 9A+ in SPM, enrolled in matriculation - the fastest way to degrees, and when everyone was complaining of not being able to study medicine, I was awarded the highly sought after JPA scholarship to study medicine in Perdana University. It's all been smooth sailing; everything has gone exactly according to plan. I thought I was a blessed child. As soon as I entered medical school, I realized that this kind of success is everywhere. I was surrounded by geniuses. It no longer makes me special or stand out. I don't think I am smart, in any way.

I struggled, a lot. I feel inferior compared to the others in the hospital who always seem to know more than me. I still have to look up things when I don't understand during the ward rounds and flipping my books like crazy for things I have already studied. I get frustrated and just feel like I shouldn't be there. Every two weeks we move on to a new posting and new environment. So just when I feel like I know what's going on, I am back to square one. Incompetent, clueless, and most importantly, being doubtful of my ability. Sometimes, it makes me wonder, whether I would make it, to be a good and competent doctor. Some days my best is just not good enough.

After three years in medical school, I am still struggling to learn how to be good at medicine. But in order to be the person I have always envisioned myself to be, I will continue to find my way.


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