Saturday, May 25, 2013

About studying

The thing I dread most about exams is the hibernation part - the study week.
Time is slowly ticking away. Counting down to 27th May which is the first day of my JC2 Summative Assessment, today is already the 8th day of my study week. I have, literally stay in my house for nearly a week. Never even one step stepping out of the house. Wake up everyday and walk to my study table. High stack of lecture notes are awaiting me. Open up my lecture notes. Study. And not going to leave the table until I feel that I have reached my maximum. Then I sleep. And the vicious cycle continues the next day. Zombie life.

If you were to ask me, I don't like the idea of staying in all day cramming in as much information as possible as well. However, it has now become something inevitable to me everyday. It feels like a responsibility that I must fulfilled right now at this moment. Because what am I waiting for if I don't study now? Or, to put it in another pathetic way, if I don't study now, what else I can do? Studying is my job. Just like any job that you are going to receive your salary every month. So do your job well. My heart tells me.

If I don't cram in as much lecture notes as I can today, I am going to regret when I am going to step in the exam hall. Never allow myself to have any chances to regret of what I could have done. My principle. I could have went out for some fresh air, or even relax myself, watch a good drama, eat a good meal. But it is the guilt that is killing me, if I ever allow myself to have a little bit of leisure time at this critical time. This is the time where I hope I will gain a superpower, that I will never need to sleep. Never have to feel sleepy over Genitourinary and Endocrine system. Sleep, is just a waste of time, all of a sudden.

After all, I am nothing but a spoon-fed exam machine. I can score in exam, but I am not smart. I am not flexible in applying my knowledge. I am blur outside of exam hall and I forget easily. My memory capacity is so limited that I wish I embedded a pendrive in my brain. I stumbled when coming to practical exam. I study because there is exam tomorrow. I memorise only things that will come out during the exam. I feel very embarrassed of myself for this. I feel ashamed. I know, I know it all along. This is not going to work. How am I going to answer to my patients in the future? That I have forgot things that I have studied in medical school? What a big joke.

Because the tension and stress are starting to accumulate day by day. The late night studying. The increasing dose of caffeine. It is getting unbearable. My body is starting to protest. But no, this is not the time to collapse yet, I tell myself. The feeling gets worse when I realised that I have to do my best to maintain my results. No, no one tell me that I must, or I have to get a result like last semester, or better. No one is going to blame me, or scold me, or despise me. No one. Probably the inner voice of me. Who will never forgive myself if I ever allow myself to perform badly.

Please end this soon. I don't know what's my limit. But I am near the breaking point.

Monday, May 20, 2013

All For One, One For All.

2009 to 2013.
5 years of continuously having burning passion to something is not easy.
I have never absent in every year's competition.
I tried to be there every year, knowing that how important mental support is to the competitors.
And every year my SSI girls never failed to make me feel proud.
Can't help to feel heartache for these little girls, for losing the battle again, like how I witnessed every year, like how I experienced it myself in 2009.
But I guess this is coming to an end.
Although I still feel the beating heart of mine when I was shouting the familiar slogan together with them.
What to do? I love old memories. :)



A shooting star flew by
And you quickly came to mind
I knew once you walked into my life
You're exactly what I needed to find

Friday, May 17, 2013


雨都停了 這片天灰什麼呢
我還記得 你說我們要快樂
深夜裡的腳步聲 總是刺耳
害怕寂寞 就讓狂歡的城市陪我關燈
只是哪怕周圍再多人 感覺還是一個人 
每當我笑了 心卻狠狠的哭著

給我一個理由忘記 那麼愛我的你
給我一個理由放棄 當時做的決定
有些愛 越想抽離卻越更清晰
而最痛的距離 是你不在身邊 卻在我的心裡

當我走在 去過的每個地方
總會聽到 你那最自由的笑
當我回到 一個人住的地方
只是哪怕周圍再多人 感覺還是一個人
每當我笑了 心卻狠狠的哭著

我找不到理由忘記 大雨裡的別離
我找不到理由放棄 我等你的決心
有些愛 越想抽離卻越更清晰
而最痛的距離 是你不在身邊 卻在我的心裡 


Please teach me how to stop listening to the song that reminds me of you that much.
I have to, really stop this.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

What kind of men are you looking for?

I have always hate moving insects, flying cockroaches, furry animals. But living alone outside for nearly 3 years still manage to train me into a person who dares to catch cockroaches. But tonight - this is the first time I see this animal in my life - a bat. The place that I am living is too 'special' to have all these kinds of animals and insects. Like jungle like that. Zzz. So this bat just flew in from nowhere and decided to land in my house. My first instinct told me to back off and get a weapon - so I got myself a broom - then I just stoned there. I don't know what to do next! I tried to scare it away with noises but it just ended up flying here and there. I guess it lost its way? Because bats are blind. Wei! But so scary lo! You don't even know whether it bites. I screamed to myself for quite a long time *a little bit dumb* until I saw my neighbour who was just about to go out from his house (probably because I screamed too loud). It was not a good idea, but I accepted his offer of help. So he went into my house and directly to where the bat was, holding it up very gently, as if scaring he might hurt it, and wanting to set it free out of the window. Just at that moment, the bat escaped from his hands and - yes, it bites him! Yet he didn't complain of pain or scare of infection, he used the broom beside him and chased it away. Everything done in a very gentle and steady manner. Within one minute. When I myself fought with the bat for like an hour. Cool.

To be honest, I have never talked to him since I moved into here. But yet he helped me. Without any fear or hesitation on his face. Knowing that I have this kind of good neighbour around me just made my day. 
Bravery is never defined as how calm you are with your girl when you are watching a horror movie, neither it is how you fought back others with harsh words to defend your girl. 
I believe THIS is the kind of bravery every woman is yearning for.
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