About studying

The thing I dread most about exams is the hibernation part - the study week.
Time is slowly ticking away. Counting down to 27th May which is the first day of my JC2 Summative Assessment, today is already the 8th day of my study week. I have, literally stay in my house for nearly a week. Never even one step stepping out of the house. Wake up everyday and walk to my study table. High stack of lecture notes are awaiting me. Open up my lecture notes. Study. And not going to leave the table until I feel that I have reached my maximum. Then I sleep. And the vicious cycle continues the next day. Zombie life.

If you were to ask me, I don't like the idea of staying in all day cramming in as much information as possible as well. However, it has now become something inevitable to me everyday. It feels like a responsibility that I must fulfilled right now at this moment. Because what am I waiting for if I don't study now? Or, to put it in another pathetic way, if I don't study now, what else I can do? Studying is my job. Just like any job that you are going to receive your salary every month. So do your job well. My heart tells me.

If I don't cram in as much lecture notes as I can today, I am going to regret when I am going to step in the exam hall. Never allow myself to have any chances to regret of what I could have done. My principle. I could have went out for some fresh air, or even relax myself, watch a good drama, eat a good meal. But it is the guilt that is killing me, if I ever allow myself to have a little bit of leisure time at this critical time. This is the time where I hope I will gain a superpower, that I will never need to sleep. Never have to feel sleepy over Genitourinary and Endocrine system. Sleep, is just a waste of time, all of a sudden.

After all, I am nothing but a spoon-fed exam machine. I can score in exam, but I am not smart. I am not flexible in applying my knowledge. I am blur outside of exam hall and I forget easily. My memory capacity is so limited that I wish I embedded a pendrive in my brain. I stumbled when coming to practical exam. I study because there is exam tomorrow. I memorise only things that will come out during the exam. I feel very embarrassed of myself for this. I feel ashamed. I know, I know it all along. This is not going to work. How am I going to answer to my patients in the future? That I have forgot things that I have studied in medical school? What a big joke.

Because the tension and stress are starting to accumulate day by day. The late night studying. The increasing dose of caffeine. It is getting unbearable. My body is starting to protest. But no, this is not the time to collapse yet, I tell myself. The feeling gets worse when I realised that I have to do my best to maintain my results. No, no one tell me that I must, or I have to get a result like last semester, or better. No one is going to blame me, or scold me, or despise me. No one. Probably the inner voice of me. Who will never forgive myself if I ever allow myself to perform badly.

Please end this soon. I don't know what's my limit. But I am near the breaking point.