潘朵拉的盒子

朋友最近結束了一段戀情，哭得好傷心。她在說起男朋友怎麼變了個人對她發脾氣的時候不怎麼哭，但是說到男朋友的好，她哭了。‘我好喜歡他.... 我覺得我再也找不到比他對我更好的人。’我看著她，眼眶也跟著濕了。曾經我也是這麼想的，覺得這個世界上沒有人比他更適合我。喜歡他的好與不好，喜歡他的一切。我可以包容，我可以很放心，我以為那是天長地久。可是，結束了還是結束了，我把那份心情壓在心底深處。那是我這麼多年來刻意不去觸碰的一個角落。可是今天，當我選擇再去把它打開，我發現喜歡他的這份心情從來不變。我不後悔自己投資了一段沒有結果的感情，因為我非常非常喜歡以前的他。想到他對我的好，我的心裡依然澎湃，眼淚還是會不由自主地落下。他找到了，但是我還沒有找到，那個比他更愛我的人。也許，永遠都無法找到。因為還有誰，會像以前的他那樣傻傻的愛。其實這樣多好，我對他的回憶，都是美好的。我過濾了所有的不美好，我想起了不畏距離勇敢去愛的我們。我想起了自己在排球場上為他歡呼為他感到驕傲的瞬間。我想起了他花費心思討好我準備的每一份禮物。我想起了我們第一次不顧外人的眼光把彼此的手牽起。我想起了我們曾經浪費了幾年的時間在互相等待。我想起了我們一起許的承諾，一起拼湊的未來。每一個心跳的瞬間。每一句暖心的話語。還有那坐在公車上緊緊相依的我們，心是那麼的貼近。

原來我曾經那麼幸福。原來我愛過。

我很想活在過去。可是我不可以。於是我小心地把這份心情放回盒子裡，鎖上。

Life as a medical student #1 The Introvert

So Monday was the first day in Hospital Kuala Lumpur (HKL). I was excited - the moment I have been looking forward to since the first day I entered medical school! However, just like everything in our lives, there are always disparities between expectation and reality.

I know it all along that I am an introvert. But HKL is constantly so busy that it is difficult not to feel suffocated. The feeling of all those people rubbing against my body and not being able to get to where I want to go was scary. I was uncomfortable and I just wish to escape. Confession: I have agoraphobia. (I wish it gets better after some time) However, the worst part of being an introvert is the over stimulation of brain activity - that I always notice details that others don't.

Here's the story. I was in HKL's cafeteria with my colleagues, wasn't eating anything because I was already exhausted after battling with the inner emotion of me for the whole day. Then I saw this old lady sitting in a wheel chair. Her back was facing me so I couldn't see her face. But I could see her streaks of grey hair and she looked very ill. Her husband and son were beside her, ready to go after finishing their food. The son is around the same age as me, if not, younger. He had a handkerchief with him. He bent down in front of his mum, wiped her mouth gently. Next, he helped his mum to put on her hat, carefully adjusted it, looked into his mum's eyes, and lastly, he smiled. He smiled - and I swear that's the most beautiful and comforting smile I have seen. There was something in his eyes, and it went right through me. My tears immediately welled up in my eyes, which I have no idea why. But I held it back, and I turned my head away.

I went back with a heavy stone pressing on my heart.

I asked my friends if they feel the same after the first day in HKL, and they tell me they don't. This wasn't the first time I am in a hospital, and I am sure there's more to handle in the future. But I guess in different phases of life we feel differently. Not sure what kind of phase I am going through now, but I believe all that I can feel is real. 

All I can feel, is real.

Being Emotionally Attached

It is hard to let go of stuff.

We all have things that we have become attached to and would feel deprived without. It all started when a child couldn't sleep without his favourite bolster/blanket/toys. The perfect example is me. I am still using the same bolster that I have been using for more than 10 years. And I bring it everywhere I go. My confession is: I have strong emotional attachment to inanimate objects, all the time. I have that sense of guilt for throwing away a pair of worn-out shoes. I feel sorry for the food when the food is thrown away. Terribly upset when something is broken/destroyed. I always let my teddy bear sit on my bed properly and I forbid my friends from bullying him - he feels the pain. I still remember how long I have been emo-ing over my damaged headphones 2 years back, because it was given by my friend and I really treasured it. And now. Just yesterday. I lost another gift.

''It's only objects. Why react so extremely?'' 

But I couldn't help and the threat of loss of the object triggered anxiety. I started panicking and blaming myself and tearing up and I swear at that moment my mental age regressed by at least a decade. I feel....incomplete.

Perhaps I am destined to be an emotional creature. And I am stubborn like that.

Turning Twenty-one.

Everyone insists on acknowledging that turning 21 is a huge milestone in life. It means you are officially in your 20s, no longer dancing on the edge of teenage and adulthood. But knowing that, I had no expectations or whatsoever. I thought it's just gonna be another ordinary day. Well it was, but with a little bit of unexpected twist at the end of the day.

I was blessed with surprises by an old friend of mine, and it brought back some old memories four years ago. I still vividly remember what happened on my 17th birthday night - how could I ever forget? I wonder if you still remember, but I find it better not to bring this up again. Things have changed tremendously. The other person was not even there. Why am I still relating here and there? Silly me. For a moment, I thought history was gonna repeat - but nope. Phew. This time, you did it right. All in all, it was a great night. Good food, thoughtful gift, sweet surprise. What more could I ask for?

I wish everything stays the way it is.

Not forgetting all the other three pre-birthday celebrations that I had. All of the kind that I like best - simple and sweet. Thank you for knowing what I like best and making me feel loved. I need no expensive presents. Your presence is everything that matters to me. All of you.

On a side note, my thoughts and prayers go out to all the flood victims in Malaysia. I have friends in Kelantan and Negeri Sembilan and I really couldn't bear to see them losing their home. I wish that the condition gets better and families get to reunite in this festive season.

We tend to relate 21 as growing up. The sense of responsibility and perhaps some big decisions in life. For girls, it is time to invest in a great shade of lipstick. Looks are not everything but confidence will get you far and when you look good, you feel good. Take this advice. And how else my 21 is gonna be? 

Give until it hurts. 

Reach out and touch someone. 

Spend time with your love. 

Hug someone who needs it. 

Go out and make your dream comes true.

That's about it. I guess.