Saturday, January 31, 2015

Life as a medical student #3 Let's go jogging

Picked up my old habit of jogging in the evening today. And it feels so so good. I smiled to strangers. I admired the flowers that people grown outside of their houses. I realised that the family who had a cute rabbit as their pet, was no longer living in there. I have forgotten how beautiful the sunset is.  The sky is so blue, the clouds are so fluffy. Why didn't I think of doing this earlier? When I was all stressed up last semester, why didn't I go jog? I jogged when I was in IC1, like everyday, but not even a single day in IC2. What have I missed out?

Yesterday was a bad day. Got screwed by my supervisor, which, I think he was right. With just passion is not going to pull me through medical school. I am just....not capable enough. Whatever you have in your head, if you don't speak up, if you don't speak to impress, you are just one dumb idiot. But, almost all the time, I have thousands of thoughts running in my head - should I say this? No I shouldn't. People will laugh at me. Is this correct? No it could probably wrong, I better don't say it. My thoughts are scattered. Only by writing, I can sort out my mind and say myself best. Maybe, just maybe. I need to speak up for myself. I am terrified of something, which I have always wanted to avoid. And yesterday, it just exploded. And I could no longer hide it. I wish I could be perfect in everything I do, I never thought that I could be that weak, and stupid, in front of people. 

I would do anything, to get out of this shit.

Had a bit of thinking today when I was jogging. So I was thinking, maybe one day I would thank him for this. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger anyway. I sat on my favourite swing, had some time to myself. I really, really love this. It calms me down. It makes me think. And I don't have to do anything to please anyone.

Because my thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.

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